Dear Diary,
I should be ecstatic.
But all I feel is this tightness in my chest. The pit in my stomach. Throat dried up.
I should be relieved.
This is the moment I’ve been waiting for the last year. The moment I can let go. The moment I can wipe my hands clean and be done with everything I never wanted a part in. Today should be a good day.
Why do I feel scared? Why do I feel sad? Why do I feel guilty?
I shouldn’t, but I do.
I tried everything. I put my heart and soul and all my efforts into helping him. I did everything. I took time away from my family and my personal life to deal with the fall out he created. The mess of a life he chose.
I’m not sad. I’m angry. I’m filled with rage.
What was the point of this last year? What was the purpose of bending over backwards for someone who just steps all over you and the situation every time? A person who is so fake. Tries to sell the story of being the good person. Always being the victim.
The only victims in this story are the ones that tried to help him. The victims are the ones who took time out of their own lives to pull him out of his car crash of a life. I am not only angry at him… but also at myself. I’m so disappointed I didn’t keep those barriers up. I’m so mad that I wasted time.
Seconds.
Hours.
Days.
Wasted time on this person that didn’t blink twice at the situation. Didn’t lift a finger.
Falls into a bed of roses every time he decides to throw himself out of a window. Never learning from his mistakes and never being held accountable for his actions. I will not lift another finger for him. I will not waste another second on him. I will not look back and wonder if there was more I could’ve done to help him. I will not waste any more of my energy on him. I will sleep comfortably at night knowing I’ve done everything I could’ve done.
I cannot control him. I cannot do life for him.
Today is the day.
Today is the day I mourn the last year of my life.
Today is the day I can scream out loud, cry out loud.
Today is the day I can wipe my hands clean of this disaster.
Today is the day I can turn a page.
This moment.
Right now, is the moment where I will hurt. Where I will be angry. Where I will sit here with a pit in my stomach trying to control my breath with the walls closing in. Body feels so heavy. Mind is racing. Can’t stop shaking.
I’m filled with rage and I can’t stop it.
Love, Me
Dear Diary,
She fought.
She fought hard.
She fought day in and day out.
Working overtime on top of life as a mom. Life as a wife. Life as a full-time worker. Life as a person trying to maintain her sanity. Life as a person trying to stay alive.
Stay afloat in this high tide. Trying to stay dry in this torrential downpour.
I wish I could hug her. I wish I could let her collapse. Let her cry. Let her inner child heal. I wish I could tell her everything will work out.
This miracle disguised as a disaster will unmask soon.
You can’t control everything in life. There are times where it’s best to let go of that control. Let go of life’s throttle. Let go of what a father/daughter relationship could be.
Should be.
Let go of… them. The bond will never be mended. The bond is not meant to be mended. The bond was never a bond to begin with.
It was all a front. She never had a dad. At least not what a dad should be.
Could be.
I want her to move past this moment.
Move past these chapters of her life.
Move past the worry, the anger, the sadness, the fear, the guilt.
I want her to heal. I want to give her happiness back. I want to take away all of her pain. The pain that breaks her down. The pain that stops her in her tracks. The pain that keeps her up throughout the night. The pain that keeps her from becoming the person I know she could be.
Should be.
I need her to see that people love her.
I need her to know she is enough.
She did everything she could. She did everything she should.
It’s time to live life to its fullest now.
Let the light shine.
Let the smiles widen.
Let the laughter flow.
Let the love fill us up.
Today is the day. We start today. We start now.
Turn the page.
Next chapter.
Love,
Your Friend
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