Alone but Not Alone

Dear Diary,

The exhaustion.

I knew this was going to be a challenge the day he walked out the door. That was such a bittersweet day. The joy I felt finding out I’m going to bring this bundle of joy into the world. The devastation I felt seeing him disappear. I don’t understand how someone could just walk away without looking back. No remorse.

Leaving me.

Alone.

Here I am 9 months later and I’m facing the biggest challenge yet. Being a parent.

Staying.

I was so thankful for the friends that helped me in the hospital, not fully realizing how much they were helping by being present. I figured everything would be okay once I got home. I could do this.

The next day was the first day alone but not alone. Alone with this baby that I am responsible for. This baby that I brought into this world and now have to care for.

The sadness.

The hurt.

The tiredness.

The pain.

I knew there would be pain. But there was so much pain. Physically and mentally. I’m on my own. I look around with no one here to help. I have to just keep pressing forward.

I never thought this would be me. A single mom. A single mom who was overwhelmed. Feeling like I’m drowning in responsibility.

In tears.

In exhaustion.

I then realized I needed help. Started hiring on and off assistance to survive the days but still something wasn’t right. I always thought this part of life was supposed to be happy.

Where is my happiness?

Why don’t I get the happiness?

Not a single drop of happiness.

The cries keep coming. The screaming wouldn’t stop. I tried everything to get the baby to stop. Changing, sleeping, bouncing, nursing. You name it, I did it. NOTHING WORKED.

God I’m so tired. I didn’t even have the energy to stand.

I physically could not stand.

Here I am crawling to the crib to try to fix whatever is wrong with him. My legs refused to work. But I must get the crying to stop. I just need to set him down and walk away for 5 minutes.

I’m so tired.

I’m so stressed.

It continues to feel like the water keeps rising. Why do I feel like I’m drowning.

I want help.

I need help.

Set him down safely.

I want to help my baby. I want to be there for him. But how can I be there for him when I’m barely keeping it together? How am I supposed to care for him when I can’t care for myself?

I need help.

I want to scream at everyone to tell them I need help. But I continue telling people I’m okay.

Why do I put up this front when I’m dying inside? I need everyone to stop believing me when I tell them I’m okay.

I’m not okay.

We are not okay.

Any help would be appreciated.

Dirty dish? Please wash.

Dirty diaper? Please change.

Laundry? Just start the cycle for me.

Looking disheveled? Hold baby for 5 minutes so I can shower. Just 5 minutes. All I need is 5 minutes.

All I need is help.

Love,

Me

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Dear Diary,

I have the best mommy in the entire world.

I know it hasn’t always been easy for her, but she has been by my side since day one. She has given me a life that I never knew I needed. Every day she provides for us. Every day she shows me what it’s like:

To respect. To care. To love.

I wish I could tell her how strong she is. I try my hardest to show her how much I love her. I try to giggle a little louder, hug a little tighter, and cuddle a little deeper just to show her how much she means to me.

Her cuddles are everything to me. I’ve never felt anything like this before. I feel so warm and safe in her arms.

Gosh she gives the best hugs.

She’s all I’ve ever known. Her and I, the dynamic duo. Partners in crime… and life. She takes me on all of these adventures, and I can’t thank her enough for it. I don’t know how she does it, but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that she does it. She shows up each and every day making sure to put everyone and anyone before her. She is the most selfless person I’ve ever met and I can’t thank her enough for that.

She is my everything.

I hope I can be as strong as she is one day. I know she did this all alone and I know I probably wasn’t always the easiest baby, but I promise it will get better. Each day will get easier. I’m going to cry because it’s what I do.

Secretly, I cry because I want her to pick me up. I cry because I just love her cuddles so much.

She’s my mommy. She’s my home.

I can’t thank her enough for taking me on this adventure. I can’t thank her enough for giving me this life and opportunity. I know she works so hard to provide the life that we have. I just want to tell her what she has done is above and beyond what I would’ve ever needed.

What she is doing is more than enough.

One day all of her hard work will be worth it. One day, when the roles reverse, I will be able to take care of her. I can let her rest. I can show her all of the support, love, warmth she showed me throughout the years.

But the most important thing that I will never forget.

She fought.

She supported.

She loved.

She stayed.

Love,

Your Little