Have Another Drink

Dear Diary,

My eyes rolled back as I saw him fill up his glass again. It seems to me that the bottle is all he cares about anymore. Mom and I would eat dinner together while watching TV and he would wander off to the den drink in hand, per usual.

Disgust.

We never knew what he did in there. He was in his own world and we were in ours. It’s like the whole being a family part of his life just didn’t matter anymore. Did it ever? As long as he had his drink.

I remember looking up after my wrestling matches and catching a glimpse of him as he gave me a thumbs up. That gave me a little sense of love from him. But as my last match finished up and I wiped the sweat from my eyes, I looked up into the stands—he was nowhere to be found.

Hurt.

I would always wrap my arms around my mom at the end of the day and listen to her words of encouragement. I asked her where dad was and she said he had to leave early. It never failed. I would come home and see him, in his den and sure enough there was a cold drink in the grasp of his hand.

That sense of love immediately disappeared.

Some nights I lie in my bed and hear the fighting. I hear the one-sided arguments. The aggression. The nasty, repulsive, insulting words that he would throw at mom. I tried to fall asleep but all I saw was rage. I played those words over and over in my head. I would be up all night long. I just wanted to take my anger out on him. I wanted him to hurt the way he made us hurt. But that drink. That drink in his hand. I knew him and that drink would overpower me. I knew there wasn’t a single thing I could do about it.

Rage.

It was always a relief when he would go away on his ‘business’ trips. The house just seemed so much lighter when he was gone. There was no anger or sadness while he was away. We were free. Seeing how relieved my mom was without him there was indescribable. Those times removed the stresses of the mocking, the insults, the anger. Her smile always put a smile on my face and I will never forget that. Mom and I bonded so much more in his absence.

Authentic Love.

Then the day came that we found out where he was actually going on his ‘business’ trips. My whole family couldn’t believe that after 35 years of marriage, he threw it all away. He threw all of us away. For what? A fun time? The amount of trust, loyalty, and love that my family had for him just completely shattered. The sound of his name just disgusted me after I learned of the affairs. Thoughts were racing through my head and I didn’t know which thought to chase after. I didn’t know which emotion to feel and which action to take.

I felt them all.

With all the anger, hurt, devastation, exhaustion, distrust, and betrayal…. All I wanted to say to him was:

Have another drink.

Love,

Me

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Dear Diary,

I wish I could’ve been there with them when the news dropped. We all knew what the reality was, but we needed the proof. I can only imagine the emotions that are running through their bodies right now. I can only imagine how she feels with this betrayal, and I can’t even imagine how he is feeling with needing to grow up that much faster overnight.

I know he doesn’t feel it right now, the strength.

I know he doesn’t see it right now, the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know he doesn’t hear it right now, the “I’m proud of you”.

But he is the strongest kid I have ever seen. That alone is a scary statement because he is a kid. He is so strong. I am so proud of the person he is and the maturity he carries. To be able to sit there and feel the betrayal, the disgust, the rage and still be able to stay strong for her. To be able to set aside his feelings to maintain the stability at home. The stability through an unstable situation. The new reality.

I wish I could show him how much light is about to shine through the end of that tunnel. I wish I could give him a peak behind the curtain to see that this isn’t the end, it’s just the end of this chapter. The next chapter will be bright. The next chapter will be free of the discomfort in what they call home. The hostile entity will be gone. The time to cleanse their lives from this infectious disease is finally here. I wish I could tell him he will be able to breathe again so soon. He will be able to finally rest peacefully.

No longer will he need to look over his shoulder to protect her or himself.

No longer will he get his hopes up that that man will stay because he loves his kid.

No longer will he need to watch this man drink himself to death and take his family out with him along the way.

He has the truth now and can finally heal. They can finally move on from the constant nightmare of what they called home. They can finally be free. Free of all the hurt, the pain, the insults, the lack of love, feeling less than what they actually are.

I wish I could tell him how proud I am of him and what he did for her. I am so proud of this kid stepping into adult shoes overnight. I am so proud of him for stepping up. Being her rock. I am so proud of him for staying strong when he deserved to be able to break down as well. This man stepping out on his family and this kid stayed solid. He didn’t break.

I AM PROUD OF HIM.

Love,

Your Friend