The Deeper I Sink

Dear Diary,

Why am I struggling so much right now? Every time I inhale, I can’t take in enough air, my chest feels like there are weights sitting on top of it. Every time I exhale… Hurt, pain, the want to cry out. The need to scream. The need to make it stop. There have been glimmers of happiness. Moments… Small moments. Slivers of hope. Those moments are the life vests through the dark choppy waters. I am overwhelmed and beyond stressed. I feel like I’m falling and I can’t stop. Drowning. Sinking deeper and deeper every moment of every day.

Stay.

Please stay.

I need him to stay.

I can’t find the words to explain to him how I’m feeling. He must be frustrated. How could he not be? He didn’t ask for this. What do I say? How do I show him everything will be okay? How do I accurately explain the “fading” feeling I have?

Just smile. I feel like such a fraud.

But I smile. She can never know.

Just smile.

Just smile.

Wear the smile and shove this feeling further down.

How do I keep her from noticing I’m struggling. Can’t let her see me cry. Can’t let her see me not eating. Make sure I keep my patience. Can’t let her see me weak. Can’t show her I’m exhausted.

Defeated.

I want to hide it all from her.

Protect her.

I never want to be the reason her shining light dims. Never want to be a disappointment. I’m not quite sure why I shield my tears from her. Face the wall any time I get that choking feeling. The knot in your throat that hurts so bad. Run out of the room acting like I forgot something. Force a laugh instead of a cry. Hiding all this only hurts me more, but in my head and heart I feel like it protects her.

Does it?

Or does she see it?

Feel it?

Know her mom is dying inside?

But why? Why dying? That’s the biggest question yet. What leads to this? What causes this? What is the trigger?

WHAT IS THE SOLUTION?

I hope one day I will find it. Find the key to the door the light hides behind. One day I hope I have the strength to open it and be MY normal again.

But right this moment.

Today.

I’m small.

I’m weak.

I’m in a dark room….

But…. I’m smiling.

Love,

Me

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Dear Diary

Today was the best!

This morning when I woke up, I got extra snuggles from Mommy. It was way longer than normal, but it was perfect! She even rocked and sang to me! And get this… After we finished our song, she said I was having PANCAKES FOR BREAKFAST! How cool is that? They were so yummy.

I got to ride with Daddy to school today and we sang so many different songs. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, ABCs, and 5 Little Monkeys (my favorite).

School was so fun too. I got to see all my friends and we played outside! I ran so fast back and forth and played hide and seek behind a door. I’m THE BEST hider. After our nap and snack, I was helping my teachers clean up and I looked up and saw Mommy! I jumped up and down and ran into her arms. She looked so excited which made me even more excited.

When we got home I gave the dogs a big hug and helped feed them. Mommy cooked me a yummy dinner and then something exciting happened… Daddy got home! He gave Mommy a really long hug and it got quiet. But that’s okay-because Elsa and Anna were about to build a SNOWMAN! When I looked over again, Mommy turned around with her hands over her eyes so I knew it was time to play hide and seek. So I ran and shouted “I hide”. I love this game.

After I finished my dinner, we went outside to play. Outside is so fun. I wondered why Mommy wasn’t running with me and Daddy, but I’m sure her legs just needed rest. She DID give me the biggest smile though. I got so excited and ran up and hugged her real quick. I love her. Then I ran away really fast because I had to chase Daddy. Thank goodness I’m faster than him—I always catch him.

After I got ready for bed, we got to play with dinosaurs and read books! Mommy left the room a few times and I always asked where she was going and she would say she will be right back. She probably just needed some water or was hungry. She always came back!

It was Mommy’s turn to put me to bed tonight. We were both very excited. So, I gave Daddy a hug and kiss and then Mommy and I sang our songs together. We got to cuddle for a REAL long time. It was the best! I love my Mommy.

Love,

Your Little